SATIRE NEWS: Man Already Having Bad Day Deported To Salvadoran Mega-Prison

TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR—Saying things had only gone downhill after a terrible morning, lawful U.S. resident Oscar Fernandez-Lopez, 38, stated Wednesday that he had already been having a bad day before being deported to the Salvadoran mega-prison known as CECOT. “I knew things were heading in the wrong direction when I spilled coffee on my shirt, and that was without getting sent to one of the most hellish prisons in Central America,” said the husband and father of three, who described his rendition to a penitentiary that can hold up to 40,000 people as “just the cherry on top” of an awful day that had begun with him missing his bus to work and ended with him being shoved into a cramped cell to be sadistically tortured by Barrio 18 gang members. “Maybe it was my mistake for thinking everything might turn around after I stepped in a puddle and got my shoe soaking wet. Now my right to a trial has been suspended for no clear reason, I’ve been falsely labeled as part of the MS-13 gang, I’m separated from my family despite my status as a legal immigrant to the United States, and they’re apparently going to starve me? Jesus Christ, there are days and then there are days.” At press time, when Fernandez-Lopez was overheard telling himself that things would surely start to improve now, several baton-wielding guards in body armor had reportedly entered his cell.