SATIRE NEWS: Logan Paul Claims Prime Perfectly Healthy For Average 9-Foot-Tall, 400-Pound Child

DORADO, PUERTO RICO—In response to concerns about the health effects of his popular line of drinks, YouTuber and entrepreneur Logan Paul claimed Thursday that Prime is perfectly healthy for the average 9-foot-tall, 400-pound child. “If Prime is consumed as recommended, there’s no reason that an ordinary 450-pound 8-year-old who’s nearly 10 feet tall should experience any negative effects,” said Paul, noting that one serving of the energy or sports drink varieties of Prime fell well within the daily recommended limits for the typical child who would tower over André the Giant. “To say that 200 milligrams of caffeine is too much doesn’t take into account how long that takes to get through the bloodstream of the average American child’s enormous physique. Sure, if your kid is on the small side— say, 7-feet, 300-pounds—they might want to drink Prime in a bit more moderation. But for the rest of the hulking child behemoths, there’s nothing to worry about.” At press time, several 9-foot-tall, 400-pound children had complained of extreme heart palpitations after drinking Prime.