SATIRE NEWS: Local Church Opens Doors To Any Single Mothers In Need Of Judgment

DANBURY, CT—Emphasizing the local parish’s dedication to serving its most vulnerable community members, St. Mary’s Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it was opening its doors to any single mothers in need of judgment. “Times are tough right now, but we want divorcées and unwed moms to know they can rely on the church to cast doubt on their way of life,” said parish administrator Dianne Barry, explaining that priests and nuns would be available around the clock to provide a disapproving “hmmm,” a raised eyebrow, or a critical sneer to any single mothers struggling to get by. “Regardless of your background or whether you’re rich or poor, this is a safe space where you can come to find out everything that’s wrong with you. We have plenty of snide comments to hand out, and our staff is specially trained to disparage you for driving men away and raising your children in sin. Our goal is to judge thousands of unmarried mothers this season.” St. Mary’s also announced that the new program would not interfere with its regularly scheduled judgment of childless women.