SATIRE NEWS: La-Z-Boy Introduces Adjustable Morphine Drip

MONROE, MI—Citing its ongoing mission to provide customers with the pinnacle of comfort and relaxation, upholstered furniture mainstay La-Z-Boy announced Friday that its latest line of Jasper Rocking Recliners would feature fully adjustable morphine drips. “There’s no better way to relax than with our luxurious recliners and a steady stream of opioids flowing right into your veins,” said La-Z-Boy spokesperson Marie Hampton, showing off a new easy chair’s plush woven chenille IV bag and 10 preprogrammed morphine settings, which according to company marketing materials range from “drowsy numbness” to “metabolic coma.” “Once you’re done, there’s a convenient sharps disposal built into the armrest. So go ahead: Just recline, set your morphine drip to the desired delivery level, and drift away into a deep—possibly endless—sleep.” Hampton added that for an additional fee each recliner could also be outfitted with an Italian leather breathing mask and high-quality mahogany bedpan.