SATIRE NEWS: KitchenAid Unveils New Culinary Mech Suit

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Confirming that the device would give home cooks the speed, efficiency, and power of over 200 professional chefs, appliance brand KitchenAid announced Wednesday that it had begun selling a new military-grade culinary mech suit. “Whether you are attempting to make your world-famous blueberry muffins, roll out perfect tagliatelle, or spiralize vegetables for a healthy home-cooked meal, our new stainless steel exoskeleton will turn you into an unstoppable, unkillable foot soldier in the kitchen,” said KitchenAid spokesperson Grace Jackson, adding that the 15-foot-tall, 3-ton robotic suit came with 20 custom attachments, including a brûlée cannon, built-in arm whisks, a turbo kneader, and a jet-powered pasta extruder. “With the click of a button, the titanium-reinforced exoskeleton fuses to your arms, legs, neck, and head, giving you all the abilities of a stand mixer, pasta sheeter, ice cream maker, juicer, and meat grinder. With over 40 stylish colors, including classic ivory, seafoam green, and blue salt, it’s no wonder the KitchenAid mech suit is already the No. 1 culinary mech suit on the market.” At press time, KitchenAid announced that it had released a new culinary link unit that would allow its customers to control air fryer–human hybrids that had been sent to another planet to cook a variety of golden-brown appetizers for alien life.