SATIRE NEWS: Judge Gives Trump Administration 3 Days To Return Her From El Salvador Prison

GREENBELT, MD—Decrying the deportation as “wholly lawless,” U.S. District Judge Paula Xinis ruled Monday that the Trump administration had three days to return her to the United States from a Salvadoran prison or face contempt of court charges. “Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents had no legal basis upon which to send me, a U.S. citizen and federal official, to one of the most notorious prisons in the Western Hemisphere,” said Xinis, banging on the walls of her cell in a controversial holding facility in Tecoluca, El Salvador, where she was sent on the basis of an “administrative error” that classified the Yale Law School graduate and sitting judge as a suspected member of the MS-13 gang. “Therefore, I am calling on the Department of Justice to return me to my home in Maryland at once. Using my finger as a gavel, I hereby decree that you must undo your grave error and send a plane or whatever to help me out. Anyone hear me? Please? I said three days, but I admit I’m having trouble keeping track of time in here. Hello? I said I decree it.” At press time, Attorney General Pam Bondi publicly defended ICE’s decision to shut Xinis up.