SATIRE NEWS: Joe Burrow Frustrated Hospital Won’t Take Bengals’ Insurance 

CINCINNATI—Explaining that the ongoing ordeal has added stress to an already difficult week, Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow expressed frustration Friday after the hospital he visited to treat his recent foot injury reportedly refused to accept the team’s health insurance plan. “I’m supposed to get my turf toe operated on, but the hospital apparently is out of network, and they’re saying I need to make a separate appointment with my PCP just so he can refer me to a specialist who can verify my claim is medically necessary,” said Burrow, adding that the Bengals’ Medical Mutual of Ohio insurance plan only covered three foot and ankle surgeons in the state, all of whom were located more than 100 miles away from the quarterback’s home. “Also, their goddamn website is down, so I’ve been on the phone with them all morning trying to make an appointment, and—wait, hello? Hello? Jesus, fuck, did they just disconnect me again? You gotta be shitting me.” At press time, sources confirmed Burrow was at a CVS MinuteClinic inquiring whether the nurse practitioner knew how to repair torn foot ligaments.