SATIRE NEWS: J.D. Vance: ‘I Saw Tim Walz Cavorting With The Ghost Of Karl Marx Beneath A Blood-Red Moon’

NEW YORK—During Tuesday’s debate, Republican vice presidential nominee J.D. Vance accused his opponent, Tim Walz, of “cavorting with the ghost of Karl Marx beneath a blood-red moon,” an encounter Vance alleged to have seen with his own two eyes. “Him there! I saw that man and his Chinese communist brethren intoning words from Das Kapital under the red glow of the moon, the bearded specter of Marx hovering close above,” said Vance, pointing directly at the Minnesota governor as gasps from the stunned moderators echoed through the room. “My opponent and his legion of comrades, their frenzied eyes aglow amid the funeral pyres of burning cash, spoke of a violent rebellion to rid the United States of our capitalist ideals once and for all. I watched from the safety of a shrub as he lifted his robes to accept a white-hot brand in the shape of a hammer and sickle, all the while crying out for the forceful implementation of a classless society. Seize him now, or our republic shall surely fall under communist rule!” At press time, the moderators had reportedly decided Walz would be bound to the 50-volume collected works of Marx and Engels and dunked in a body of water to see if he would float.