SATIRE NEWS: Insecure Woman Doesn’t Like Eating In Front Of Surveillance State

LOS ANGELES—Attributing her behavior to insecurity about the government, local woman Kirsten Sears told reporters Monday that she did not like eating in front of the surveillance state. “I try to remember the government is more interested in my ideology than my macronutrients, but still, every time, I get so embarrassed,” said Sears, who explained that she had developed the fear in adolescence around the time she started becoming self-conscious about her personal data and growing digital footprint. “I’d hate for Big Brother to see me with mustard on my face. Usually around lunch I’ll head to a stairwell, look around and realize that’s not safe, hop in my car, drive 150 miles to the desert, get out, and then walk 10 more miles by foot. I know it’s irrational, but I can’t stop imagining that every time I take a bite of my sandwich, Peter Thiel is thinking, ‘Oink, oink.’” At press time, Sears added that she restricted herself to neutral-colored foods to avoid satellite detection.