SATIRE NEWS: I’d Sooner Let My Family Starve Than Exaggerate My Marketing  Experience On My Resume

In the world of business, integrity is everything. There has to be a baseline level of trust, or the entire system collapses. That’s why I make honesty a top priority in my professional life, even in situations where bending the truth a little would be to my personal benefit. For example, I would never misrepresent my level of expertise when applying for a job, even if I needed the work to keep my family from going hungry.

Yes, I would let my wife and young children starve before I’d defile my resume with exaggerations about my marketing background.

I know what you’re thinking: What’s a little white lie about my experience improving user engagement and SEO going to hurt? If I were faced with the prospect of sending my son and daughter to bed with empty stomachs, then surely there would be no harm in covering a small gap in my employment history by saying I worked at Icon Synergistics from “2021 to 2023” when, more precisely, it was February 2021 to November 2023. The truth is, a lot of harm would be done, and not just to my malnourished household.

You see, it’s when your back is against a wall that you find out what your true convictions are. Suppose I were jobless and could no longer put food on the table. Then, in a moment of weakness, I decided to claim on my resume that I was fluent in HubSpot and Marketo Engage, when in reality, I had familiarity with both but was only truly proficient in HubSpot. Where would it stop? Would I next say I’m the social media strategist at a place I’ve worked for five years, without clarifying that this is only my most recent title and that I actually began there in the junior role of social media assistant? That’s inexcusable.

My family might be able to enjoy three meals a day, but what would become of my self-respect? At the end of the day, I want to feel good about the marketing professional I see staring back at me in the mirror.

Don’t write me off as cold or uncaring. I have a heart. It would be painful to watch as my 5-year-old and 7-year-old were forced to beg for scraps of food on the streets. But when you’re creating a resume, ethics must come first. If the price of putting bread in the mouths of my children is adding a bullet point that overstates my ability to optimize social content, then I say no deal. After embellishing a cover letter to imply that I achieved over 30% conversion in data-driven bundling, how could I look my famished, hollow-cheeked family in their sunken eyes?

Above all, I wouldn’t want to set a bad example for my kids. Surely I’d be doing them no favors if I taught them it was okay to lie to a job recruiter about your B2B client retention rate in order to get a job that provides your loved ones with basic nutritional sustenance. Then they’d grow up to lie on their own resumes, and the web of deceit would continue from generation to generation.

So I would choose to do the right thing, no matter how visible my children’s ribcages might become. And while I hope she would support me in my decision, I would stand firm even if my emaciated wife grabbed my collar and demanded I lie about rolling out strategic acquisition channels and spearheading effective hashtag campaigns. Because falsely listing survey design as a special skill on my resume is a moral failure I could never countenance.

When all is said and done, I know the only special skill I really have is my honor.