SATIRE NEWS: ICE Deems Being In Privacy Of Own Home Obstruction Of Justice

WASHINGTON—Warning that any attempt to spend time inside a personal residence constituted hostile interference with federal operations, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Thursday that being in the privacy of one’s own home would now be deemed an obstruction of justice. “When an individual enters their residence, conceals themselves behind a closed door, and attempts to go about their everyday life, they are willfully impeding the important work of law enforcement officers and engaging in domestic terrorism,” said Department of Homeland Security spokesperson Tricia McLaughlin, adding that the agency had updated internal guidelines to classify such aggressive forms of noncompliance as standing around in one’s kitchen, asking why agents are there, or harboring loved ones around a dinner table as Class D felonies. “We will not tolerate any walls, floors, or ceilings that keep public servants from performing their official duties. Moving forward, anyone who commits acts of domestic seclusion will be regarded as a criminal and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.” McLaughlin went on to encourage families to gather in their driveways for easier arresting and processing.