SATIRE NEWS: ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began

WASHINGTON—Touting a new crime report as evidence their ramped-up operations were improving American life, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Friday that there had been zero murders committed by 5-year-olds since they began detaining children. “Democrats can whine and slander our agents all they like, but the stats don’t lie: Homicides committed by kindergartners are at all-time lows,” said ICE spokesperson Kristina Boyer, who noted that the 0.0% rate of homicides perpetrated by 5-year-olds applied to first-, second-, and third-degree murders. “These 40-pound criminals may look small, but they’re strong and mean. Now, thanks to our hardworking ICE agents and their zip ties, our streets are safer than ever.” At press time, a follow-up report found that the statistic extended to toddlers and babies as well.