SATIRE NEWS: How To Stick To Your New Year’s Resolutions

Each January, millions of Americans vow to improve something about themselves, but many struggle with the commitments they make. Here are tips for sticking to your New Year’s resolutions.

Hire a hitman to shoot you in between the eyes if you even so much as look at a cigarette.

Tell your coworkers about your plan so they can inevitably mock you when you fail to live up to your resolution.

If you resolved to give up junk food for a month, petition the U.S. government to make January three days long.

Choose an attainable resolution that you’ve already completed prior to starting.

Be realistic about how many coconuts you can crack open with your head in under 10 minutes.

Remember that if you and the rebel forces don’t succeed, Selassie’s iron grip on Ethiopia may never loosen.

Convince yourself your New Year’s resolution was always to fall into the deep, dark hole of “day in the life of an age-gap couple” vlogs.

Make small, daily progress on your resolution to help ensure that you recoup the cost of Megalopolis to investors by 2026.

If you’re having trouble sticking with a goal as simple as “eat more protein,” we’re not quite sure how we can help you.