SATIRE NEWS: How To Perform A Breast Self-Exam

With incidence rates increasing over the past two decades, more doctors are recommending routine self-checks to catch early signs of breast cancer. Here’s how to perform a breast self-exam.

Remove your clothes and place them in a safe location so that rambunctious neighbor boys can’t steal them and ride away on their bicycles laughing.

Beg your male keeper for the key that unlocks your metal modesty brassiere.

Before starting the examination, have each of your breasts sign a medical waiver to protect your hands from malpractice litigation.

Use a vise clamp to secure the breast to your workstation.

Lure the tumors to the surface by opening a can of tuna.

While pressing on the breast with one hand, cup the other around a baked ham, comparing and contrasting size, texture, and temperature.

Replicate a professional mammogram at home by smashing your breasts in the waffle iron.

Once completed, take your breast down to a notary public to have its clean bill of health authenticated.

Finally, use the prepaid return shipping label to mail your breasts to the Susan G. Komen foundation.