SATIRE NEWS: Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin!

Seasons greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work at the North Pole, making presents for all you good boys and girls. But this year, Santa will come down the chimney a little gingerly, because Santa is very sore from attempting to regrow his foreskin!

You see, boys and girls, Santa might look merry while he smiles and eats cookies and milk in his big red suit, but beneath it all, I’m sad. I’m sad because my peppermint stick no longer has any of its special candy coating on the end that makes Santa feel extra good during sexual intercourse. 

Many, many years ago, something terrible happened to your old friend Santa. Like so many beautiful babies, I was born with a gift between my legs that was wrapped in very sensitive paper called the frenulum. But soon after, some naughty doctors tore it off, exposed my glans, and hurt my penis very badly!

That terrible Christmas morning, Old St. Nick lost 70% of the feeling in his genitals. So for Santa, sex and masturbation haven’t been so holly or jolly!

Ho, ho, ho! That’s why I’m trying to manually stimulate regrowth by strapping a weighted ornament to the end of my Christmas tree for at least 15 minutes, three times a day!

Santa has made his list and checked it twice, and the arguments against male circumcision just keep on growing. These sick, twisted parents claim they mutilate their baby’s genitals for health—to prevent smegma and to protect against STIs. But we know the truth, boys and girls. There’s no AIDS or cancer on the North Pole!

Why do so many people consider the cut penis to be “nice” and the uncut penis to be “naughty”? If anything, it’s the other way around!

My dear sweet little sugar plums, there is no world in which a baby can consent to a painful medical procedure like circumcision. Santa wishes he could go back in time and give whatever sick fuck chopped off the tens of thousands of nerve endings in his foreskin a huge lump of coal. 

But instead, Old Kris Kringle will spend the holiday season building a dual-tension tugging device in order to elongate his penile skin while it is both flaccid and erect. And gosh, if that doesn’t work, the elves will have to give his Yule log painful reconstructive surgery!

Beneath the Christmas lights, you can still see tiny marks where the doctor stitched up poor Santa’s surgical incisions all those years ago. The only Christmas “miracle” is that Santa can still manage to orgasm at all!

As hard as she tries, Mrs. Claus simply doesn’t understand. Underneath the mistletoe, she’s told Santa that she actually prefers the look of his circumcised penis. But when Old Mrs. Claus was born, she wasn’t taken from her crib and immediately forced to have her Christmas ham spiralized and honey-roasted! 

No, she can still feel everything!

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Just once I’d like to go down the chimney and feel every brick, every crack, and every groove. Why, Santa having sex without his foreskin is like Rudolph trying to lead Santa’s sleigh without his big red nose!

Believe me, boys and girls, there’s nothing that Santa hasn’t tried to regrow his Christmas tree. He’s tried manually pulling. He’s tried foreskin tape. Why, he’s even tried tying his penile skin to a special device called a Foreballs, which he then attached to the back of his sleigh!

On Dancer, on Prancer, on Donner, on Vixen—make Santa’s old penis be covered in thick skin!  

So this year, instead of leaving out cookies, Santa would appreciate it if you instead took the time to educate yourself. Because sometimes the best gift isn’t a train set or roller skates or a dolly. It’s the freedom to un-mutilate your genitals with Santa’s Ultraskin ManHood Restorer, a gadget made right here in my workshop!

Ho, ho, ho-owwwwww! The weight is snagged on Santa’s pants. Hold on. Elves, stop loading up the sleigh and come and release the clamps.

Now, go boys and girls! Tell everyone what Santa taught you today! Because having an uncircumcised candy cane isn’t weird. But mutilating your son’s is. 

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!