SATIRE NEWS: Historians Unearth Final Fundraising Telegraph Hitler Sent From Bunker

BERLIN—In a discovery that sheds new light on the infamous dictator’s last moments, historians in Berlin confirmed Friday that they had unearthed the final fundraising telegraph Hitler sent from the Führerbunker. “After unearthing the telegraph titled ‘Freunde, es ist Adolf’ and dated April 24, 1945 amongst archival files, we quickly realized that the document contained Hitler’s last-minute plea for donations amid the Red Army’s offensive into Berlin,” said German historian Hilda Bauer, adding that the fundraising message reportedly attempted to energize the Nazi base by featuring a celebrity endorsement from Leni Riefenstahl. “We now know that right up until he shot himself in the Führerbunker, Hitler continued angling for a major cash infusion by telling Germans that the next few days were ‘critical to continuing their Thousand-Year Reich,’ as well as emphasizing that the Soviets were ‘THIS CLOSE to taking Berlin unless pure-blooded Aryans act now.’ While telling Germans that his ‘one last ask’ for their 20-Reichsmark donation would help keep the Red Army out of the Reich Chancellery no doubt helped net him a few extra donations, he ultimately took his life a few days later after news outlets began calling the war for the Allies.” At press time, historians had reportedly unearthed an additional fundraising telegraph from Joseph Goebbels offering to enter donors into a raffle to grab beers with him and Martin Bormann.