SATIRE NEWS: Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House

WICHITA, KS—Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can’t trust herself to keep raisins in the house. “I used to keep a canister up in a high cabinet that I couldn’t reach without hurting myself, but I’ve decided it’s more responsible to remove them from my home entirely,” said Donovan, adding that she now only allows herself to enjoy raisins at restaurants. “Dried grapes? Don’t let me near them! Oh my goodness, I used to polish off an entire 130-calorie serving in one sitting. Not only are raisins overly decadent, but those natural sugars will have me bouncing off the walls. The last time I had raisins, I was up until 7 p.m. talking my friend Eileen’s ear off about the new James Patterson novel on the telephone. It would be nice to have them in the house as a treat for the grandkids, but this is for the best. Who has the willpower to resist raisins?” At press time, Donovan was indulging herself in an afternoon of hedonistic debauchery after discovering an old package of prunes in the refrigerator.