SATIRE NEWS: Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives

KNOXVILLE, TN—In a development her family began referring to as a “stroke of luck,” local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to Thanksgiving dinner with her girlfriend. “Oh, thank God—problem solved, everybody,” said Frank Martin, grandson of the deceased, who reportedly breathed a sigh of relief along with his cousins, aunts, uncles, and parents after a morning spent imagining the various horrified reactions the family matriarch might have when his sister and her same-sex, live-in partner walked through the door. “That was going to be stressful, so now it feels like a gigantic weight has been lifted. We honestly couldn’t have asked for better timing. Grandma had just finished making her famous stuffing, which we still get to eat. And my sister was delayed by traffic, so no one has to try to explain what bisexuality is to a Catholic octogenarian. Win-win for everybody, really.” Martin went on to call his grandmother’s passing a “Thanksgiving miracle” after seeing that his sister had also shaved the side of her head.