SATIRE NEWS: GOP Adds ‘ICE Kills Everyone’ Pillar To 2026 Platform

WASHINGTON—Adopting a new set of national policy positions ahead of this year’s midterms, top GOP leaders released an updated party platform Tuesday to introduce their official “ICE kills everyone” agenda for 2026. “In our continuing fight to make America great again, it is vital we maintain Republican control of the government so we can ensure the extrajudicial killing of all U.S. citizens at the hands of ICE officers,” said Republican National Committee chair Joe Gruters, claiming the new platform pillar represented the priorities of everyday, hard-working Americans who wished to be summarily executed by an agent of the U.S. government. “Cowardly Democrats have made it clear they intend to take away your God-given right to be shot point-blank by a federal law enforcement officer, but we will not let them. Republicans must remain in power come November if we are to have any chance of the entire nation being beaten to death for simply walking down the street or driving a car. We promise, a vote for our party is a vote for a bullet to each and every American face.” Gruters also touted a national ad campaign that would feature hours of real-life footage highlighting the Republican Party’s long-standing commitment to violence and degradation.