SATIRE NEWS: Florida Gators Climb Ladder With Scissors To Circumcise Dick Vitale

SAN ANTONIO—Capping off their rousing victory in the finals with a beloved NCAA basketball tradition, the Florida Gators climbed a ladder on the Alamodome court Monday night and used a pair of scissors to circumcise veteran broadcaster Dick Vitale. “Unbelievable, folks, Walton Clayton Jr. is now heading up the rungs for a keepsake from this historic night—mazel tov!” said Vitale, who pointed out the tears streaming down players’ faces as they took turns removing a four-inch section of skin from his penis in the Jewish ceremony of Brit Milah. “Now Denzel Aberdeen is holding up the foreskin for the whole arena to see. This crowd’s going wild, and I’ve entered into a covenant with God! That’s what March Madness is all about, baby!” At press time, reports confirmed a visibly wincing Vitale had been carried into the locker room for a seudat mitzvah meal and exchanging of gifts.