SATIRE NEWS: Feds Uncover Terabytes Of Free Speech During Raid Of Protestor’s Residence

WASHINGTON—Following a daring operation that saw authorities seize the man’s property and detain him in an undisclosed location, FBI director Kash Patel announced Thursday that federal agents had uncovered 43 terabytes of free speech from local protestor Andrew Wyman’s residence. “Every American should be chilled to the core by the overwhelming display of constitutionally protected speech we found on this deviant’s computer and phone,” Patel said as he stood before a table covered in countless hard drives, folders, and documents that he described as “disturbing evidence” of America’s most inalienable and foundational right being put into practice. “What’s incredible is that this creep got away with it for so long: Every day, he was out there in public, expressing his own convictions, as every U.S. resident—citizen or noncitizen—has done since our nation’s founding. Thankfully, we got a tip about posts he had made on social media suggesting he might be the sort of freak who spends time conveying his beliefs to others without fear of retribution from a tyrannical government, possibly because that practice is expressly enshrined in the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights. This guy was sick, really sick. Make no mistake, our team is pursuing every legal remedy to ensure something like this never happens again.” Patel then praised those involved in the raid for intervening before the suspect went on to use his legally guaranteed right to peaceably assemble.