SATIRE NEWS: Federal Hemp Ban Threatens Local Guy’s Whole Deal 

WASHINGTON—Roundly criticizing the provision to outlaw many hemp products that was included in the bill to reopen the government, industry leaders warned Friday that the federal hemp ban threatened the overall identity of Evan Brucker, 32, a local guy whose whole deal pretty much begins and ends with hemp. “Congress may claim the provision only restricts the sale of hemp-derived synthetic cannabinoids, but in reality, this punitive legislation will wipe out up to 95% of Mr. Brucker’s entire thing, from his morning CBD tea routine to his hemp-seed-oil aromatherapy sessions to the affordability of his entirely hemp-fiber wardrobe,” said National Hemp Association chair Geoff Whaling, adding that the law, which he called an “unwarranted assault” on the legal hemp industry, would effectively kneecap the only topic Brucker seems able to discuss with friends, family, and coworkers. “Anyone who has ever spent time seated next to Mr. Brucker on an airplane knows that hemp is an environmentally friendly renewable resource with countless health benefits. Yet this law will limit Mr. Brucker’s ability to produce the homemade hemp-wax candles he gifts for every special occasion and prevent him from selling his tinctures and twine every weekend at the farmers market. Perhaps most troubling, however, is that this ban will threaten the stability of several local businesses, as gas-station employees, who know Mr. Brucker simply as ‘that white guy with the dreads,’ report that his daily purchases of THC-infused gummies and vape cartridges make up a meaningful share of their revenue. It appears Congress is totally unaware that hemp is the only thing this guy’s got going on right now.” At press time, sources confirmed that in response to the hemp ban’s passage into law, Brucker had decided to just get really into actual weed again.