SATIRE NEWS: FDA Bans Captain Morgan Rum After Having Way Too Much Of That Shit In College

WASHINGTON—In a memo that stated they couldn’t even smell the stuff without gagging, officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday a plan to ban Captain Morgan rum, citing the fact that they’d had way too much of that shit in college. “Captain Morgan Rum is not suitable for…ugh, we just need to get rid of that disgusting garbage,” FDA commissioner Robert M. Califf said between pauses to suppress his body’s reflexive urge to vomit, adding that Bacardi Raspberry would also be made illegal for human consumption as he finally retched into a mop bucket. “Our data indicates Captain Morgan rum is nasty as fuck. In one study, even the hardest drinkers in our friend group were throwing up by, like, 9:30 p.m. and were passed out in the bathtub a half hour later. In addition, the test subjects were completely hungover for the entire hellish weekend.” Califf, after admitting that maybe he could stomach Captain Morgan rum again now that so much time had passed, reportedly tried taking one sip and instantly puked into his briefcase.