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President Donald Trump has claimed that crime is “out of control” in the nation’s capital and beyond. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president’s claims.
Claim: D.C. has endured a record amount of robberies.
Partially true: Some places in Georgetown sell a cup of coffee for $9.
Claim: Chicago, New York, and Los Angeles are crime-ridden cesspools.
False: These cities are safe, vibrant cesspools.
Claim: The National Guard is being deployed to crack down on crime.
False: The National Guard is being deployed to give Stephen Miller an erection.
Claim: Just last week, a high-ranking politician was shot in the head at a D.C. theater.
False: Trump is mixing up last week with April 14, 1865.
Claim: Violent foreigners traveled to D.C. to savagely beat Americans.
False: The UFC fight on the White House South Lawn isn’t until next year.
Claim: Basically anything.
False: “False” continues to be a very safe assumption to make.