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President Donald Trump has made a number of claims about the future of Venezuela since U.S. special forces raided the country and captured President Nicolás Maduro and his wife. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president’s statements.
Claim: The U.S. attacked Venezuela for its oil.
Partially True: Also for bloodlust.
Claim: Venezuela stole oil from the U.S.
False: The beauty of petrochemicals belongs to all of us.
Claim: Controlling Venezuela’s oil reserves will make the U.S. a lot of money.
True: The billionaires who will benefit from this are technically part of the U.S.
Claim: Venezuela is full of murderers and kidnappers.
False: All members of U.S. Delta Force have returned home.
Claim: Venezuela sent people to participate in gang violence in America.
False: Major League Baseball is not considered a gang.
Claim: Venezuela is solely responsible for America’s fentanyl crisis.
False: This erases decades of hard work and dedication by the Sackler family.
Claim: The strikes and Maduro’s capture are legal and justified under U.S. law.
False, but give the Supreme Court a few days.
Claim: Maduro will be given a fair and speedy trial.
False: Then everyone’s gonna want one.