SATIRE NEWS: Experts Recommend Using Hunger As Egg Substitute

WASHINGTON—In the wake of soaring egg prices and shortages nationwide, food experts from the U.S. Department of Agriculture released new guidelines Friday recommending the use of hunger as an appropriate egg substitute. “Whether used as a binder in baked goods or on its own as a savory breakfast, not eating can be substituted for eggs in most recipes,” said a USDA spokesperson, citing the practice as a popular method of food preparation that dates back to the Great Depression, when many Americans had nothing on hand in the pantry, making hunger a practical alternative for many meals. “In the finished product, you’ll hardly notice a difference between the pangs of starvation and the pleasant feeling of satiation that comes from necessary, balanced nutrition. It’s also vegan, cost-effective, and much lower in cholesterol compared to a typical egg-based dish. Note that two hours of a painfully empty stomach is roughly equal to one egg, though, so you’ll likely need to suffer at a two-to-one ratio per lack of egg.” USDA officials added that many people found imagining eating an egg far more flavorful than substituting with egg whites.