SATIRE NEWS: Election Officials Announce Results Won’t Be Available Until After You Brush Teeth, Put On Jammies

WASHINGTON—Crossing their arms and tapping their feet impatiently, election officials across the nation announced Tuesday night that they wouldn’t release the results of the 2024 presidential race until you had brushed your teeth and put on your jammies. “The results are in, the 47th president of the United States has been chosen, and all the poll workers have gone home—but before the winner is called, you’ll need to get ready for bed,” said Zack Manifold, a Georgia election officer and one of many key state officials throughout the country who stressed that there were clean pajamas in your dresser drawer and you had better remember to floss, too. “If you end up eating more kettle corn after you’ve brushed your teeth, you’ll have to brush them again, and it will take even longer to find out who will occupy the Oval Office for the next four years. As long as you don’t dillydally, you can watch the victory party for five minutes, but then it’s light out!” At press time, the nation’s election officials announced you could stay up late just this once because of how cute you looked.