SATIRE NEWS: Duracell Removes Frosting, Sprinkles To Discourage Kids From Eating Batteries

CHICAGO—Acknowledging that candy-coated batteries were an iconic part of the brand’s legacy, Duracell announced Thursday that it would be removing frosting and sprinkles from its manufacturing process to discourage children from eating the company’s products. “When parents shared with us their concerns about our practice of selling batteries with delicious, sugary toppings, we listened,” said Duracell spokesperson Nick Miaritis, who added that the battery manufacturer would also be removing the whipped cream and maraschino cherries from atop its AA and AAA varieties effective immediately. “We understand that batteries will inevitably find their way into the hands of kids, some of whom are too young to understand that Duracell’s trademark chocolate, caramel, and nougat center—while very tasty—is not something they are supposed to put in their mouths. Don’t worry, though: Our batteries will continue to power your flashlights and TV remotes. They’ll just be doing it without that irresistibly sweet Duracell taste.” Reached for further comment, Duracell officials confirmed the company had no plans to discontinue its popular 9-volt Cheese-Blasted batteries.