SATIRE NEWS: Doctor With Positive Attitude Learns Something New From Every Malpractice Suit

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Maintaining that mistakes were simply life lessons in disguise, upbeat general surgeon Ezra Weber told reporters Friday that he views every malpractice suit as a chance to learn something new. “Some people would let being found liable in a few multimillion-dollar wrongful death cases get them down, but you’ve got to shift your mindset and remember that mistakes aren’t setbacks—they’re setups for growth,” Dr. Weber said while jotting down “Do not place next to insulin” on a vial of pentobarbital. “I always tell residents that if you’re not failing, you’re not growing. For example, I never would have learned why you’re supposed to wear gloves on both hands when operating if I hadn’t given that woman sepsis. And hey, how are you ever supposed to learn how many bloody marys with breakfast significantly impair your fine motor skills if you don’t screw the pooch a couple times?” Dr. Weber went on to remark that he was looking forward to brushing up on the latest medical findings and getting some much needed R&R during his upcoming eight-month prison sentence.