SATIRE NEWS: DNA Sequencing Reveals Hitler Was Type Of Fern

BATH, ENGLAND—Saying the discovery shed new light on the infamous German dictator’s life, University of Bath researchers revealed DNA sequencing Friday showing that Adolf Hitler was a type of fern. “After analyzing genetic material taken from Hitler’s bunker and comparing it with DNA from one of his known relatives, we’ve determined with 97% certainty that Adolf Hitler belonged to the species Matteuccia struthiopteris, commonly known as the ostrich fern,” said research leader Alistair Wending, adding that the findings could explain the fondness for moist, loamy soils Hitler described in his autobiography Mein Kampf. “The revelation that Hitler was a seedless vascular plant lends credence to the widespread belief that he reproduced via spores, as alluded to in the popular Allied novelty song ‘Hitler Has A Sporangium.’ It could also explain the dictator’s idiosyncratic diet of dissolved mineral nutrients and partial sunlight, as well as his signature fiddlehead mustache and his choice to wear uniforms that concealed his green, feathery fronds. Most significantly, though, our research finally debunks the rumor that Hitler had Jewish ancestry, proving instead that he evolved from Devonian psilophytons.” Wending told reporters his team’s next project would investigate whether Benito Mussolini had been a moss of the division Bryophyta.