SATIRE NEWS: Disturbing Video Shows Dunkin’ Hatchery Workers Tossing Male Donuts Into Industrial Grinder

CANTON, MA—Shining a light on the unsettling realities behind the foods we eat, a disturbing video shot by undercover activists and posted on YouTube Thursday reportedly shows workers at a Dunkin’ hatchery disposing of male donuts in an industrial grinder. “When a donut hatches at one of Dunkin’s production facilities, a professional donut sexer quickly separates the males from the females by squeezing out the donut’s filling and checking its out-turned anal vent for rudimentary male sex sprinkles,” said Boston-based pastry welfare advocate Addie Tapper, explaining that because male donuts are too chewy for human consumption, they’re discarded into the whirring blades of a machine that—as the activists’ footage shows—instantly shreds the hatchlings into lifeless, doughy pulp. “Dunkin’ claims the process is painless and humane, but this video clearly shows a cruller missing the chute and dying a slow, agonizing death on the ground. While it’s heartening to watch these activists secretly transport a handful of male donuts to a baked goods sanctuary in rural Vermont, millions more are dying barbaric deaths every day, all to satisfy America’s insatiable demand for pastry.” The video follows a government report last month that found stress among Coolattas living in filthy, cramped conditions causes the frozen beverages to brutally slurp one another to death.