SATIRE NEWS: Dirt-Covered Trump Boys Attempt To Siphon Gas From Ground

WASHINGTON—Determined to help their father bring down high prices by single-handedly boosting the nation’s fuel supply, a dirt-covered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly attempted Friday to siphon gasoline from the ground. “I’m gonna slurp some gas out of this hole, and then while I’m spitting the gas into the bucket, you slurp up some of your own,” said Donald Jr., who, as he positioned himself facedown in a shallow trench dug into the White House South Lawn, asserted that this back-and-forth rotation system would set off “a real gusher” after just a few mouthfuls of suction. “You just gotta be careful, because once we get this thing going, the gas is gonna shoot out with a ton of pressure. If you swallow too much of it, you have to barf it out immediately, okay? And then, after Dad takes what he needs to help the economy, you and I can start filling these empty two-liter bottles so he’ll have backup gas if he ever needs it.” At press time, sources reported that Eric Trump was unconscious after forgetting to breathe for five minutes straight with his face in the mud.