SATIRE NEWS: Denny’s Announces Free Pancakes For Customers Who Take Fight Outside

SPARTANBURG, SC—Introducing a new promotion that will be available to both adults and children at its restaurants nationwide, 24-hour diner chain Denny’s announced this week that free pancakes would be provided to customers who take their fighting outside. “We know our customers love coming to Denny’s to participate in violent late-night brawls, and now those guests will be treated to a complimentary short stack as a thank-you for moving the bloodshed out of the restaurant and into the parking lot,” said company spokesperson Tricia Kim, who added that patrons watching the melee from inside a participating Denny’s location were welcome to bang the windows and yell “Fight! Fight! Fight!” in encouragement. “Once you’re done slamming your opponent through a car windshield, we invite you to wash the blood off your face and clothes in our bathroom and head back to your banquette for some fluffy buttermilk hotcakes—on us. This offer is valid for one fight per customer. Please note that fight participants who jump behind the counter, grab one of our kitchen knives, and use it to stab their opponents are not eligible for this deal.” The promotion follows last month’s offer of a free grilled ham slice for Denny’s customers who keep their verbal abuse down to a reasonable volume.