SATIRE NEWS: Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them

WASHINGTON—With the elected officials trying their hardest not to move a muscle, reports confirmed Monday that top Democratic leaders in Congress were standing real still in hopes that the American people wouldn’t notice them. “Don’t make any sudden movements, or they’ll spot us,” Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) said out of the corner of his mouth, tightly squeezing his eyes shut as he reminded Rep. Ted Lieu (D-CA) and Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) to hold their breath anytime a member of the voting public walked by. “Did it work? I think we’re in the clear for now, but that was a close one. They could have talked to us, for crying out loud, or worse—demanded that we do something. Unless we put our hands up in front of our faces and crouch down behind our briefcases, some of these voters may realize we’ve been standing here all along.” At press time, Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) had reportedly been dragged into a conversation with a constituent after the otherwise motionless lawmaker forgot to silence her phone.