SATIRE NEWS: Dead Bird On Sidewalk Leads Man To Contemplate Own Inevitable Collision With Plate Glass

CHICAGO—Realizing there comes a time when everyone crashes into a window, local man Danny Nagler told reporters Wednesday that a dead bird on the sidewalk had led him to contemplate his own inevitable collision with plate glass. “Seeing this bird’s lifeless body lying here on the pavement, I can’t help but be reminded that someday I too will slam headfirst into a large pane of glass at great speed,” said Nagler, pondering how no living thing on the planet had the power to escape the unavoidable reality of smashing directly into a window display and plummeting to the concrete with a broken neck. “The crazy thing is that I, like this bird, probably won’t even see the plate glass coming. I can try all I want to convince myself that my impact with the side of a modern office building won’t happen, but as this bird found out, it’s no use.” At press time, an inconsolable Nagler reportedly got the call that his sickly grandmother had finally met her pane of plate glass.