SATIRE NEWS: Dad Spends Daughter’s Wedding Day Thinking About History Of Oil

MOUNT CLEMENS, MI—With guests congratulating him and his family as his mind drifted back from the very beginnings of ancient organic matter becoming trapped beneath the Earth’s surface, local dad Brendan Canfield reportedly spent his daughter Ellie’s wedding Friday thinking about the history of oil. According to sources, the father walked the bride down the aisle while considering the ingenuity of men like Abraham Gesner, who harnessed the natural power of oil as kerosene, and pondering the rush for energy-dense hydrocarbons that led to the explosive growth of cities like Los Angeles. Witnesses also reported that when his daughter and her betrothed exchanged vows, a tear welled up in Canfield’s eye, a result of contemplating the incredible human ingenuity that led to plastics, cosmetics, and all the other goods that fueled the greatest economic boom in human history. At press time, a smile was seen growing upon the dad’s face as he shook the hand of his daughter’s new husband and remembered that his name was Derek.