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Satire news: trump orders reopening of alcatraz

SATIRE NEWS: Crypto Investor Tortures Man In Attempt To Steal Bitcoin Password

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A 37-year-old cryptocurrency investor was charged with kidnapping a man and beating, shocking and torturing him for weeks inside a luxury townhouse in downtown Manhattan, all in a scheme to get the man’s Bitcoin password. What do you think?



“No amount of torture could make me admit to being into crypto.”

Nick Bastidas, Unemployed


“Hopefully nobody like this ever finds out how many Dunkin’ rewards points I have.”

Lindsey Zemke, Podcast Uploader


“It’s horrific to imagine having to spend weeks with a crypto bro.”

Chris Helt, Hydraulics Historian



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