SATIRE NEWS: Cousin’s Husband Says First Word

NORFOLK, VA—In what is being hailed as a huge milestone in the development of the man’s verbal skills, sources confirmed Tuesday that Mark Peterbaum, the husband of a local woman’s cousin, said his first word during a visit with extended family over the holidays. “As far as any of us could tell, Mark didn’t know how to talk, so it was quite a surprise when he suddenly said ‘yummy’ at dinner,” Tabitha Roth told reporters, adding that it had been more than two years since Peterbaum had married her cousin Hannah, and the family was starting to worry he might have communication issues resulting from a serious impairment of some kind. “My mom claims she has had heard him babble unintelligibly from time to time, but this was definitely the first time we heard a clear and comprehensible word out of Mark. With any luck, he should start putting together full sentences soon. Really, though, I’m just happy Grandma is still around to witness this.” At press time, sources reported that Peterbaum had spoken his second word after accidentally knocking over a bottle of wine and shouting “Fuck!”