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Take our test to see if you’re enough of a shameless, unethical degenerate to serve on the jury of former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial in New York.
Have you taken the red pill and awakened to the reality that men are enslaved by women in our woke feminist prison colony society?
Have you taken the red pill and awakened to the reality that men are enslaved by women in our woke feminist prison colony society?
If so, then you are possibly too awake to adequately judge Donald Trump. Better go home, drink Mountain Dew, and play some Destiny 2 until he gives you the signal to begin the revolution.
If so, then you are possibly too awake to adequately judge Donald Trump. Better go home, drink Mountain Dew, and play some Destiny 2 until he gives you the signal to begin the revolution.
Have you or a relative ever been employed in the U.S. legal field?
Have you or a relative ever been employed in the U.S. legal field?
Dedication to the rule of law indicates a strong bias against individuals who wish to break those laws.
Dedication to the rule of law indicates a strong bias against individuals who wish to break those laws.
Can you give us an assurance that you will be fair and impartial and not base your decision in this case upon a bias or prejudice in favor of or against a person who may appear in this trial, on account of that person’s race, color, national origin, ancestry, gender, gender identity or expression, religion, religious practice, age, disability, sexual orientation, or political views?
Can you give us an assurance that you will be fair and impartial and not base your decision in this case upon a bias or prejudice in favor of or against a person who may appear in this trial, on account of that person’s race, color, national origin, ancestry, gender, gender identity or expression, religion, religious practice, age, disability, sexual orientation, or political views?
Trump’s attorneys have promised to disqualify anyone who doesn’t consciously harbor at least a half dozen of these biases.
Trump’s attorneys have promised to disqualify anyone who doesn’t consciously harbor at least a half dozen of these biases.
Are you married?
Commitment to the institution of matrimony is seen as highly prejudicial against a man who despises the idea of ever being tied down.
Commitment to the institution of matrimony is seen as highly prejudicial against a man who despises the idea of ever being tied down.
Have you previously heard of Donald Trump?
Have you previously heard of Donald Trump?
If not, consider yourself an ideal juror and one lucky son of a bitch.
If not, consider yourself an ideal juror and one lucky son of a bitch.
Are you less than 8 months old?
Are you less than 8 months old?
Prospective jurors under 8 months old are not permitted to serve due to their lack of object permanence.
Prospective jurors under 8 months old are not permitted to serve due to their lack of object permanence.
How do you feel about threats against you and your family’s life?
How do you feel about threats against you and your family’s life?
Acceptable responses include “cool with it” and “I’ll try anything once.”
Acceptable responses include “cool with it” and “I’ll try anything once.”
Have you or a relative ever been convicted of falsifying business documents to suppress politically unfavorable information?
Have you or a relative ever been convicted of falsifying business documents to suppress politically unfavorable information?
If so, you’re legally required to give Trump some free legal pointers.
If so, you’re legally required to give Trump some free legal pointers.
Can anything ever truly be known in this crazy world?
Can anything ever truly be known in this crazy world?
Whoa, man, that’s deep. Forget about the jury. The trial is off. We gotta think about some shit.
Whoa, man, that’s deep. Forget about the jury. The trial is off. We gotta think about some shit.
Are you or one of your relatives from one of the shithole countries?
Are you or one of your relatives from one of the shithole countries?
Trump’s legal team hopes to claim individuals from countries he despises are not his peers and therefore cannot judge him.
Trump’s legal team hopes to claim individuals from countries he despises are not his peers and therefore cannot judge him.
Have you ever been accused or convicted of a crime?
Have you ever been accused or convicted of a crime?
Nice try, Mr. Bannon. The judge recognized your liver spots from a mile away.
Nice try, Mr. Bannon. The judge recognized your liver spots from a mile away.
Are you a shoe?
If you said yes, you are disqualified. Legally, shoes can’t be jurors. Not even sneakers or pumps.
If you said yes, you are disqualified. Legally, shoes can’t be jurors. Not even sneakers or pumps.
Are you prone to redness, swelling, and/or sudden and severe pain in your feet and ankles?
Are you prone to redness, swelling, and/or sudden and severe pain in your feet and ankles?
If so, you may be showing signs of gout. Ask your doctor if Gloperba is right for you. Also, you’ve been selected for the jury.
If so, you may be showing signs of gout. Ask your doctor if Gloperba is right for you. Also, you’ve been selected for the jury.
Can you give us assurance that you will not discuss this case on AM radio conservative call-in shows?
Can you give us assurance that you will not discuss this case on AM radio conservative call-in shows?
Violating the courtroom exclusive granted to regional talk show hosts with high blood pressure would garner you an immediate jury disqualification.
Violating the courtroom exclusive granted to regional talk show hosts with high blood pressure would garner you an immediate jury disqualification.
How many of your abortions has Donald Trump personally paid for?
How many of your abortions has Donald Trump personally paid for?
There’s no one in Manhattan who can truthfully say less than three.
There’s no one in Manhattan who can truthfully say less than three.
Have you had any romantic entanglements with Lady Liberty that would make you biased in favor of the prosecution?
Have you had any romantic entanglements with Lady Liberty that would make you biased in favor of the prosecution?
Despite the fact that your four-month fling 20 years ago with Libertas herself is unlikely to cloud your judgement, you would still likely be disqualified.
Despite the fact that your four-month fling 20 years ago with Libertas herself is unlikely to cloud your judgement, you would still likely be disqualified.
Are you America’s Mayor?
Are you America’s Mayor?
Sorry, but Rudy Giuliani is ineligible to serve on the jury due to the judge’s understanding that he is only after the $40 daily payment.
Sorry, but Rudy Giuliani is ineligible to serve on the jury due to the judge’s understanding that he is only after the $40 daily payment.
Did you vote for Winfield Scott in the 1852 election and/or have you promoted the Whig Party’s political activity in any material way?
Did you vote for Winfield Scott in the 1852 election and/or have you promoted the Whig Party’s political activity in any material way?
If you answered that you aided Old Fuss and Feathers in his peaceful resolution to the Pig War in 1859, you would be disqualified from the jury.
If you answered that you aided Old Fuss and Feathers in his peaceful resolution to the Pig War in 1859, you would be disqualified from the jury.
How much cash do you have on you right now? Can I have $10?
How much cash do you have on you right now? Can I have $10?
Anyone who will not open their wallet and give the judge $10 so he can buy himself a sandwich must immediately leave the courtroom.
Anyone who will not open their wallet and give the judge $10 so he can buy himself a sandwich must immediately leave the courtroom.
Do you read news from any of the following media outlets: The New York Times, the New York Post, The Washington Post, The Daily Beast, or Truth Social?
Do you read news from any of the following media outlets: The New York Times, the New York Post, The Washington Post, The Daily Beast, or Truth Social?
Preferring any news source to The Onion is a common sign that a potential juror is a mental infant and likely has a sub-60 IQ.
Preferring any news source to The Onion is a common sign that a potential juror is a mental infant and likely has a sub-60 IQ.
Have you yourself ever sent hush money payments through Michael Cohen to silence pornographic actress Stormy Daniels?
Have you yourself ever sent hush money payments through Michael Cohen to silence pornographic actress Stormy Daniels?
If you answered “yes,” it is unfortunate, because you, as Donald Trump, cannot serve on the jury of your own trial.
If you answered “yes,” it is unfortunate, because you, as Donald Trump, cannot serve on the jury of your own trial.
Are you a little kitty cat?
Are you a little kitty cat?
See also