SATIRE NEWS: Confusing Japanese Glory Hole Has Too Many Bells And Whistles

TOKYO—In a bathroom stall outfitted with a glowing panel of cartoon icons and a series of tubular suction gears that pulsed in choreographed sequence to a cheery welcome jingle, American tourist Trevor Willis acknowledged he was totally overwhelmed Thursday by a confusing Japanese glory hole with way too many bells and whistles. “Okay, so the screen is telling me to select my ‘pleasure style,’ and the options are a picture of a tulip, a volcano, and a trumpet…is there not just a normal blow-job button?” a baffled and sexually frustrated Willis said before he hesitantly chose the tulip, which prompted a nozzle to spray his groin with a spermicidal mist as a uniformed digital attendant appeared on a screen and politely instructed him to “Please reveal genitals and commence stimulation.” The attendant then reportedly gestured to what appeared to be some kind of ergonomic stirrups on the floor that Willis was apparently supposed to fasten himself into before inserting his erection into a heated, self-sanitizing penis slot. “Um, not sure if I’m doing this correctly. Definitely some sucking happening, but…uh, okay, now there is some very loud music playing. Maybe it’s to cover the sound of my moaning? Oh, God, this is stressful. And there’s a whole line of men neatly queued outside the door waiting for me to finish. I don’t even know if I can cum. Never tried to get off with an animation of a sexy mackerel flaunting its cleavage and giggling at me. And what—oh, fuck, what is happening? Something is coiling around my balls. It is definitely on my balls. I don’t like this at all.” According to sources, Willis eventually managed to reach climax, triggering an ejaculation-activated farewell ceremony in which animated characters on the screen bowed to him and a robotic arm emerged from the wall to shake his hand and congratulate him on his “successful emission.”