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LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that he was exactly who you wanted in your corner when shit hit the fan, the coked-up nation announced Thursday that they love this fucking guy. “This guy? This guy right here? Quality fucking human being,” said 32-year-old Beverly Hills resident Greg Hanson, echoing the sentiment of 340 million highly stimulated Americans as he rubbed his nose furiously and pointed out that this was essentially a goddman legend they were talking about. “Holy shit, a total ride or die. No question about it. And we go back, big time. Forever. Forever, man We’re going out all night, seeing the sunrise. Literally no one you’d rather do that with. He’s got some crazy good business plans, too. Anyone have another bump? Hey? Anyone?” At press time, the nation had a major falling out with this fucking guy after the lying bastard refused to share any coke.
