SATIRE NEWS: Child Given First Stock To Learn About Losing Everything Early

HUNTINGTON, NY—Eagerly explaining to the 9-year-old that the investment was already down 11% since purchase, Marcus Aldaco reportedly gave his son Eddie his first stock Wednesday so the boy could learn early about losing everything. “I want Eddie to have a firm grasp of how to sink money into a hot stock and then get absolutely fucked by the market,” said Aldaco, who has lost nearly $80,000 by investing in high-risk stocks over the past five years. “Financial literacy is important, which is why I’m teaching him the ins and outs of buying prudent financial vehicles like options, futures, and meme stocks. My hope is that he’ll start using his allowance to go big on a speculative biotech firm that skyrockets before eventually going bust, leaving him absolutely devastated as he watches that ticker tumble downward. I wish my dad had taught me how to invest in volatile markets when I was little—I can only imagine where I’d be now.” Aldaco added that he hopes Eddie sees him as a financial role model and that he had recently pulled everything out of his 401(k) in order to invest in crypto.