SATIRE NEWS: Chick-Fil-A Announces Two Halves Of Buns Must Be Married Before Becoming Sandwich 

ATLANTA—Hoping to provide clarity to consumers about their company’s food production standards, Chick-fil-A officials announced Monday that the two halves of each bun served in their restaurants must  be married before becoming a sandwich. “In accordance with Chick-fil-A’s values, the bread used in all our sandwiches—from the jalapeño ranch club to our original classic chicken—are required to be formally joined together in the eyes of God,” said Chick-fil-A CEO Andrew Cathy, telling reporters that fans of their signature entrées could rest easy without having to worry that the freshly made buns on either side of their sandwich were living together in sin. “Our buns are wedded during a one-hour religious ceremony performed each morning by a franchise chaplain and followed by a short reception attended by staff. The result is a beautiful, joyous union of two buns sanctified by the Almighty. And when they are combined with the chicken—which is the child of the two buns—we have a morally upright, God-fearing family of food for customers to enjoy.” Cathy added that starting immediately, Chick-fil-A would begin serving its nuggets in pairs in an effort to “stop whatever freaky stuff they’re all getting up to in that cardboard box.”