SATIRE NEWS: Central European Guy At Other End Of Bar Watching Some Sport With Mallets On Phone

BRECKSVILLE, OH—Speculating that the unnamed individual was unable to find the broadcast on even the most extensive of satellite TV packages, patrons at the Thirsty Goose Tavern confirmed Friday there was currently a Central European guy sitting at the other end of the bar watching some weird sport with mallets on his phone. “He’s been watching it at full volume on his Samsung Galaxy S8 for, like, an hour now, just totally dialed into whatever sport it is,” said bar-goer Justin Knowles, noting that the obscure sport appeared to involve trying to whack a small, leather ball into a series of steel receptacles while a referee-type guy in a neon shirt and plastic helmet patrolled the oval-shaped indoor field atop a horse. “I guess he’s a fan of the team with dragons on their jerseys, but he also might be rooting for the guys whose jerseys have kerosene lamps on them—I honestly can’t tell. Whenever I walk past, the score has gone up in increments of four or 18, but also sometimes there’s a ‘V’ in there. He keeps shouting ‘Hold! Hold!’ if that helps? Seems like it must be a very popular sport in Croatia or Hungary or whatever the country is, because the stadium is packed with, like, 100,000 fans.” When reached for further comment, Knowles said his best guess was that the man was watching soccer.