SATIRE NEWS: Cash-Strapped WeightWatchers Announces Butter Now Zero Points

NEW YORK—In a desperate attempt to revive their floundering brand amid declining revenues, WeightWatchers officials announced Thursday that butter was now worth zero points. “Joining the likes of cauliflower, plain Greek yogurt, and air-popped popcorn, butter will now be a WeightWatchers ZeroPoint food, so go ahead and eat—or drink—as much as you like,” said interim CEO Tara Comonte, adding that to make planning easier, the company would be releasing its own brand of frozen butter that customers could purchase in their supermarket’s single-serve meals section. “In fact, our scientists have found that the mere act of chewing butter can burn an extraordinary number of calories. So go ahead, enjoy a stick or two! And if you prefer beef tallow, that’s –1 points. ” Comonte went on to state that members could also buy additional points online anytime they felt hungry.