SATIRE NEWS: Cardinal With 3-Foot Vertical Leap Emerges As Frontrunner In Papal Combine

VATICAN CITY—Revealing that he had quickly distinguished himself at the four-day invitation-only event, Vatican sources confirmed Friday that Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, a 75-year-old American prelate with a 3-foot vertical leap, had emerged as the frontrunner in the Papal Combine. “The College of Cardinals has produced some strong prospects this time around, but Dolan’s basilica agility time of 10.8 seconds has made this his papacy to lose,” said Catholicism analyst Dave Hutchins, adding that high-ranking members of the Holy See hadn’t seen vertical prowess like Dolan’s since the legendary John Paul II era. “These cardinals have been training their whole lives for this, but when the whistle blows for the 40-yard baptism dash, Dolan’s leaving them all in the dust. That 3-foot vertical is putting him way closer to God than any of the other pontifex maximus hopefuls. Every drill they run, Dolan’s at the front of the pack. He’s swinging that censer the fastest. He’s weaving through those cones and glasses of sacramental wine without spilling a drop of holy water. This is a cardinal in his physical and spiritual prime, and frankly, it’s an exciting time to be Catholic.” At press time, Cardinal Dolan had reportedly dropped out of the combine after a blood test came back positive for Protestantism.