SATIRE NEWS: Caitlin Clark Brushes Off 23 Stab Wounds From Own Teammates

LAS VEGAS—Following another highly physical game for the rookie point guard, Indiana Fever player Caitlin Clark reportedly brushed off the 23 stab wounds she received from her own teammates on the court Tuesday. “The physicality doesn’t bother me one bit—it’s all part of the game,” the pale and visibly woozy WNBA star said at a postgame news conference during which reporters questioned her reaction to the 23 knife-inflicted injuries suffered at the hands of her fellow Fever players and a pool of blood collected on the floor beneath her chair. “Emotions run high, and every once in a while that’s going to boil over into someone being brutally stabbed on the court multiple times. I really don’t take the coordinated effort to assassinate me personally. If anything, violently taking a shiv to my back, chest, and neck during a breakaway shows how much passion these women have for the game, and I’m lucky to play alongside them. In some ways, I’d even say it’s an advantage to be putting pressure on my jugular with my left hand while dribbling with my right. I’d be mad too if one of them got as much viscera on the ball as I did.” A stern Clark went on to tell the media that if she could pull the dozen or so blades out of her back and move on, they should be able to get over it too.