SATIRE NEWS: Cackling Referee Declares Penalty For Pass Interference Shall Be 10,000 Years Of Winter

PITTSBURGH—Raising his hands before him as his eyes turned ominously white, the referee of the Steelers–Dolphins game was heard to let out a blood-curdling cackle Monday before declaring the penalty for defensive pass interference would be “no fewer than 10,000 years of winter.” “Hear me, mortals, and know that for the grave transgression of hindering the receiver in violation of the laws of football, the defender who wears number five has incurred a terrible judgment that shall afflict the earth for many ages!” the official said in response to an infraction by Steelers cornerback Jalen Ramsey, his thunderous voice causing fans to clutch their ears in agony, birds to fall dead from the sky, and frost to begin forming on all visible surfaces. “By the sacred covenants that govern this league, I condemn you to endure pitiless cold for many generations to come. The snows shall bury your gridded fields, your special teams units, your descendants—and for millennia hence! Let the winds flay your skin. Let the ice harden your lands. Let the offense receive an automatic first down and the ball at the spot of the foul. May your suffering commence with the toot of my silver whistle!” At press time, players reportedly stood motionless as icy sheets of fog poured into the stadium and a veil of blackness eclipsed the sky, ushering in 100 centuries of bitter tribulation.