SATIRE NEWS: Boyfriend Barely Alcoholic As Far As Boyfriends Go

MILWAUKEE—Dismissing the concerns of loved ones as seriously lacking in perspective, local woman Sara Heston, 32, argued Tuesday that her boyfriend was barely an alcoholic as far as boyfriends go. “Dan is essentially sober compared to my previous partners,” said Heston, alleging the 35-year-old man who often claimed he could not fall asleep without five or six beers barely cracked the 50th percentile of heavy drinkers she’d dated. “Sure, he likes to have a good time and enjoy a few drinks when he’s out with friends or home alone, but he always climbs into bed by sunrise or so, even if he’s still dressed in all his clothes and sometimes his shoes. Plus, he has a job, and I don’t think they’d let someone who had a real drinking problem work in a bar.” Heston went on to add that her boyfriend didn’t have much time for partying anyway on account of his drug habit.