SATIRE NEWS: Bookseller Scrambles To Hide All The Classics After Seeing Emerald Fennell Approaching Door

LONDON—Calling for all hands on deck as he seized an armful of paperbacks, local bookshop owner Colin Mueller was reportedly scrambling to hide the classics Monday after he spotted filmmaker Emerald Fennell approaching the door. “For the love of God, please, someone grab the Jane Austens!” said Mueller, who jumped on top of a chair and began shoving the beloved works into the drop ceiling tiles as cries of “Quick!” and “She’s here!” rang out among the store’s panic-stricken employees. “All other Brontë titles go into the safe now, do you hear me? Go! Go! Go! If she asks for Middlemarch, remember our training: Distract, delegate, delay! Or just toss her a copy of Tess Of The D’Urbervilles. No one likes that one anyway.” At press time, sources confirmed Mueller was on his hands and knees pleading with the Wuthering Heights director to check out their vast array of Colleen Hoover titles.